so many thoughts so little time

It's amazing I can actually sleep at night.
I am thankful I can though!
SO much thoughts things going on in my little exhistence.
Maive was born 2 months ago and she has been amazing. The whole ordeal, the hospital stay
the nurses, certain members of the family staying away, and just feeling so loved and appreciated by God. I feel like I had a vacation, and the way things were going, I felt like
God was trying to tell me that he loved me.
But I do feel so undeserving.

I am so blessed though, Maive has been a super sleeper. I havent had sleep deprivation, insomnia, she doesnt have gas issues hardly ever. I get almost 7-8 hours of sleep at night.
The toddlers sleep well, we're all healthy, its just been a fast winter as well.
But I am finding now and then I am still feeling so empty.
Maive though, there are so many moments, we just lock eyes and hold, and smile and its feels like we're so connected. Like having this nonverbal dialogue with each other, no words exhisting, just our souls or hearts just in touch, tune... It's an amazing thing that happens, and I am struggling on how to put it into words so you could experience it for yourself, but perhaps thats just it.. someday whether you havent had kids or do, maybe its just one of those things you have to definatley experience for yourself, and its so special...
its amazing how a little peanut so fresh and new, can just fill you up so high with love, that she has the ability in her to love you, really i mean genuinely? is it all she knows so far? i think she loves me, and i will convince myself of this..

SO where I am at:

-Been trying to get back on my track with a relationship with Christ, besides his holy name coming out of my mouth now and then in a not so holy fashion. I am a sinner, big time.

-Trying to change. Be a better example to my Kids on who Christ is, also trying to find where our marriage has gone too. I know that when the kids come into play, it sort of dissapears for a while. But this has been a long while, and it seems to keep slipping farther and farther away. Likes it's a slippery bar of soap and you've got your hands lathered in olive oil and everytime you try to squeeze it there it goes poppin up towards the ceiling and there you are, teetering on one leg, reaching and it just keeps slipping out of grasp from hand to hand until it plops on the floor and slides under the crack of the door.

- Feeling like a failure. Everday, time just slips away. Gonna spend more time with Aidan, gonna train the dog, teach aiva to read & write the alphabet, gonna fold all those loads of laundry, gonna curl my hair for shawn, gonna find some time for me, gonna excersize, gonna make a spiffy dinner, gotta pump, gotta do this and that.. Feeling like I am accomplishing nothing.

-Been loosing my hold on what I know is important. - to unconditionally love my kids, to teach and make Christ known to them,even at this little age- to love my husand no matter what, whether hormones or he himself gets in the way.

-To not focus on my "feelings" so much.

- To be more self disciplined, more organized. Be less impatient, less procastinating.
I want to be a Christian, a real one. A "Christ-follower". I dont want to be someone who call's herself one. I want to be one. Stop thinking about it and just be, learn, be molded continually.
I want to love my father even though he's a know-it-all, and grumpy and argues over anything and everything. I want to be the one person who's there for him, and the one person who doesnt dissapoint him.

I want to forgive my mother, truly.
I want to forgive shawn's mom.
I want to be strong.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be unique.
I want to be transparent.

MY TIME IS UP, for now...