3 am epiphany///what dieing your hair does///or mid 20's crisis?

So I am a bit confused right now, my hearts a little down.
I had Shawn cancel the "backorder" of the Canon 5DMII. I totally wish it would have come 6 weeks ago. See tuesday night I died my hair.. no I don't know what i was thinking! ( mid 20's mother of three crisis? )BUT THE CHEMICALS TOTALLY SEEPED INTO MY BRAIN.. Next day I was mad at myself to think I could be so happy at a silly decision as to buy a nearly $3,000 camera, when we have 3 little mouths to feed, bills to pay. And what if I don't make it?
Last year I started feeling out the possibility of being a pro photog. I loved it. and doors & windows were opening like crazy.
But you know what.. and this is the hard part..
i now have a 12 month old baby girl, that honestly ( tears ) i didnt invest alot of memory making with. She is a super content baby and has 3 + 4 year old brother and sisters that really keep her entertained, and i took advantage of that ALOT.. way to much.
and the worse mother of the year award goes to Julie G.

for what? to get a few minutes, okay.. hours in front of this lousy computer. Learning Corel Paint Shop Pro Photo, then Lightroom, even shutterfly.com to build my templates. for what?
i regret it, its a horrible feeling, and yes when i read peoples blogs or facebook status updates about their new 5DMII.. i get a twinge of jealousy, but you know what, maybe someday I'll get something spiffy like that. How imature of myself to allow my husband to show his love and belief in me to buy me such an expensive piece of technology.. I am going to earn my way, like i have all this life, im not going to cut corners or let the cart get before this horse. I mean come on. im just learning to use my XTI in Manual mode.. wow.. Yep, ive been using it in "P" mode for 1.5 years yay for me! Ok I'm done ranting, tomorrow shawn has off, we have a 1 yr old who has lot of teeth pain, and alot of memories to make, and fresh snow! Tomorrow is going to be the most beautiful day ever.. { say this every night before you fall asleep and you'll here your pillow make snap crackle poppy noises when your cheek slowly forms a peaceful hopeful smile!
living this life to love,
Julie G
PS- Dear Shawn, Please forgive me for allowing you to belive that you needed to buy me an expensive peace of technology to show your love. You dont, You believe in me and I know it, You are a great mailman, and wonderful father, and an outstanding husband. I so cherish your waking up in the middle of the night with your arms wrapped around me. You, God, and our three mugwumps are all this little woman needs!

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