She has returned...

Ahhh.. the creativity bug has bitten again.
All of a sudden I have all these ideas to try, and my brain is in full swing of all things photography related once more..
i love it!
sometimes i hate it because it makes me discontent..
but im thankful for the "eye"
for the software
and some time now and then to myself
and for now, these shall suffice!



Tight like a tigah!

ah excersize

new decision

ok so instead of finding a set time of 20-40 mins a day of just doing some strechtching, cardio, lifting and such, i've decided to do some "excersizing" during the course of the day, through the daily mundane activities.

Dishes, not just dishes, but doing that excersize where you bring you heel up to your buttock.

i think it makes the butt firm and hamstrings toned, but im not sure, im just winging it really.

I dont count, i started to but soon realized counting 25 left, 25 right and such, well it didnt work, because my house holds alot of noise right now, and even if it wasnt so noisey, i have a very short attention span and numbers and i dont mix well, 13..14.. i hear a bird.. 17... why wont this tato peice come off the pot.. 20.. wait.. where was i? and another reason why i've decided to not count besides that i cant? well, it gives you the excuse well i did 20 reps of this or that, and yadda yadda, so .. "I'm good" NOPE my way now is doing it until it hurts and that muscle pretty much wont move for you. then later many hours later when its better, doing some more until the same result occurs... NO PAIN NO GAIN.. im taking that to heart! Tomorrow, i will be pretty immobile, hurting and such, but I wont complain because to me the pain and aches means
#1 it's working and
#2 convincing yourself that the pain you feel, is fat, chubb and such melting away... yes.. envision this.. or if its not fat you want away in that area, tell yourself it's that muscle growing right there! picture it too!
Sometimes this is all mental!

I've decided not to picture myself looking like Marisa Miller anymore. BUT to just appreciate my body my parents and god gave to me, and make it as healthy as it can be. healthy equals toned muscles, stamina, less fatique, regularity, healthy heart, and a happy mommy and maybe once again a more frisky wife! Grrrrrrrraaawr!

- oh lets not go there-

and i mean yea, Marisa to me might be the prettiest woman, have the most gorgeous body on the face of the planet to me, but she is a person, and she is just like us with periods, days where she's sick, and all that she is just like us, a person, and as a person not jsut a model and celebrity, how happy can her body make her? its truly what you feed your soul, it's what inside, when nobody else is around, or when everbody else is around, its who you are as aperson, what you hear in your inner dialogue day to day, not the size of your ta-tas or how much you weigh.
It's your smile, confidence, and spirit that are beautiful.

But also going back to the healthy body thing.. it helps when your fit to smile and be confident when you feel good about yourself, and have natural energy and arent forcing it.

Picture your body sexy and go to it! It'll happen! Stop sitting there thinking about it, stop procastinanting get up and do something about it.

Make your kids laugh while excersizing, make it silly and spontaneous. and do you want your kids to someday be sitting in front of a tube, or internet all the time, or to be fit and eating healthy, happy and energetic, well then show them the example!

Make yourself earn the things you like to do,

for me its blogging, reading, or editing photos

so before i plop down to do so, ill excersize and work a sweat,

then while im doing the stuff i like to do its like multi-tasking.
I'm waiting for my heart rate to calm, the sweat to dry and resting my body, to do what's next

like cooking dinner, or combatting the crazy toddlers up from nap.

Just before i sat to write all this i did a bunch of jumpsquats, im guessing 30, but i just did them until really my knees started buckling and my legs were tingling.


well, its raining and baby will be up soon, gotta go fold some laundry, so while i fold towels at the kitchen table, ill do some squats, and soon, yes i will have a yummy hiney.. mmmmm scrumptious!! not.... that ... i'd eat it.. but, well... next on my list: improve vocabulary!




So I've been pretty excited to be able to finally get back together with old friends.
They are the best!
I am so happy Shawn wants to go back up to be with the Spencers, Freshwaters, Fluger and Underwood families.
I love being able to drive and to go down the roads I know so well!
And the company of great friends. I've missed so much!
These people are soo true, caring and genuine and truly Christ like.
They're those people in which the bible states that when they meet God he will tell them
"Well done, good and faithful servant."
They are the people that when for some odd reason they've seemingly fell off the face of the planet, I believe that will mean the rapture has occurred.
I've always wanted to be more like the Spencer girls. They are so pure and genuine. They are soft spoken and sweet and its all natural for them. It's just who they are, with no effort.
They know all there is to cooking, baking and sewing. When we were younger we used to get lost on the "land" and just appreciate nature so much. In the winter time we'd collect maple syrup. All bundled up scarves and all, smiling at each other with red cheeks and squinty eyes. The huge maple tree that looks like something out of Lord of the Rings and the swings from the branches. The view from Spencer's mountain, the gatherings, the fall with cider and hot cocoa, doughnuts and such.
Gail has always addressed me as her daughter explaining that they adopted me.
Elizabeth, Sharon and Laura have always called me their sister.
The hugs they give have this amazing ability. They are real hugs
So warm and just loving, when you leave for the day you carry back to Binghamton with you this abundant feeling, this filled up, cupeth overflow feeling. That you are just so loved, and I know this love comes from Jesus.. through them.. I think I've seen Christ in their eyes, and actions.

I've missed it all, but if things go right, my kids will now be able to enjoy it with me!
I've known the spencer girls for 11 years and my fondest memories are because I was able to hold on to some of my childhood in knowing them. I they held on to purity and innocense for so long. When we got together we were playing in the snow outside like little kids, inside games by the stove and talking about silly things, playing dress up, curling hair....
I'm so glad they are all back in our lives and I'm so relieved, excited and such to know that my own children will be able to grow up knowing people who carry themselves with great integrity, with holyness and wholey and completley live their lives according to God. They walk in Jesus and Jesus is their whole heart. I am so thankful they at this young age I could meet such special people who are hard to come by! I am a lucky girl, my family is blessed by thier friendships.


Your dose of birth control!

Last week Maive got her 2 month dose of 4 shots in less than 30 seconds, and unlike Aiva and Aidan she has had quite the "reaction" from them.
She’s still my sweet smiley angel just dealing with some bodily issues..
so this morning i awake with shawn to begin the 5:30am... and as I get coffee started i hear the beginning of a seemingly never ending cry.. poor Maive, the most amazingly manly loud noises began to come from her wee baby butt, and with each release of explosive baby gas, she shreaked in pain, which for a mom, who really cant comfort her in any way but to let it pass, is exasperating..
this went on for about an hour, she is finally through that bout of rear end issues and is now sleeping peacefully after 3 hours in her bassinet...
Aiva had come down during the course of all this and thankfully distracted our nuclear reactor of energy called "Tana" ( Montana ) the border collie from jumping on me and following me around as I pace the house with Maive in my arms.. Aiva has her first cold of the season. Thankfully its nothing big, no fever, no complaining, just swollen eyes and a raspy voice, otherwise she’s normal, coloring, dancing and playing, just a tad clumsy.
So I get Maive down check on Aidan who is still fast asleep, trusty grubby puppy in arms and jump in for a nice warm shower to get refreshed and hopefully "restart" this day. Well, the water was not nice. It wasnt cold, it wasnt hot, it was warm but not warm enough, I had goosebumps all over. Again i came to find that Shawn had turned the temp down on the water heater. I got dressed and huddled next to the stove for a minute remembering I need to pump Maive some boob milk. I get started and then hear aidan finally awake, upstairs, i call up to him "Mommie’s got five more minutes i’ll be up soon!"

I finished up and ran up the stairs to retrieve my red head, only to find his poopy filled diaper on the floor, and him sitting in his crib head down afraid to look up, poop all over his big red elmo and all over his legs, socks, butt, back and crib sheet..
I lifted him out careful to hold him out from me and under his armpits as to not get any poopy on me, i mean come on! I actually showered this morning!! and raced him downstairs to the bathroom to wipe him down and get him in the tub and start the washer. Meanwhile in passing Tana is runnin up stairs to which she knows she’s not allowed!
I got Aidan cleaned and in the tub, ran up and got all the feced covered stuff only to find the dog nosing around with the diaper, and then I lost it, I went to the second story kids bedroom window and started pulling it down turned to retrieve the dog only to stop myself in knowing i couldnt throw her out, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. ( Yesterday she snapped her collar got loose, then ripped holes all around our screened in back porch ) I was not happy and neither was Shawn, she pretty much is a great dog and listens but we think she’s making us pay for leaving her in the kennell all day Easter Sunday and then all that night.
So yes, this is how my morning has started.
Time for some breakfast and focused breathing.. and a few more washings of that one load! Thank God for washing machines and dryers, bathtubs, and the internet to vent on.
If you are thinking of having kids, or have kids and want more, I hope this gives you some insight!



Sweet sleep!

I got such an awesome nights sleep last night.
Feeling very refreshed this sunny morning.
It's still cold outside, but I am so ready for this day!
Excersizing! Blasting some music while the kids are upstairs!
Spring cleaning and going to visit Shawn on his lunch break!
It's going to be a wonderful day!
I love when I feel like this, I'm a nice person, im unstoppable, irresistable ;oP and


Where my instruction manual meets- Man, they grow up soooo fast!

I am so there too!

I mean with Maive it's easy, been there done that, its my third time of course, but also that she's an easy baby! It's awesome!
But yeah, Aiva is at the Why-why-why phase? But also, she is just so much bigger to me now that Maive is here. Aidan too. The kid seems like a tank now! Oh and talk about instruction? Anybody want to give me some tips on potty training boys? I am clueless on how to begin this.. I am embarrassed to say this is not something I am looking forward too! ;o) "Like whoa! Getta hold of that thing.."

It's only been 9 weeks since little Maive blessed our lives, but she too, is growing, she's long, and those kissable cheeks you just love to musch your lips against, OH i swear everyday just keep getting more mushier.. and I love it!

And all those coos, ahhhhs, and I swear she tries so hard to say hi.

Aiva is already learning to read, I cherish this time so much to spend with her. Its fun to teach her and watch her little "wheels spinning", her memory is amazing as well, the things she'll bring up in conversation, such as yesterday shawn and I exchanging astonished looks while driving in the van as Aiva is recalling something from probably 18 months ago or so!

So I go from sitting down with Aiva explaining something patiently ( or desperatly trying to ) to her 3 year old brain, to later sitting in blissful silence with maive in my arms adoring her sweet babyness and remembering Aiva as a baby in my arms. It seems like life fastforwarded somewhere!

Indeed they grow up so fast, its a continual learning experience, I'm glad will contuine to be, because children have so much to teach you, about yourself, life, time and what is truly important in life.

For where two or three are together in my name, there I am with them. * Matthew 18:20*

Okay, so yesterday was pretty fun.
Until when we got home and little Maive woke up in severe pain.
Her wee little baby thighs were red and swollen from the two shots she received in each one.
Oh for 2.5 hours i held on to her, being careful not to press, touch or even graze those sore legs.
She would fall asleep in my arms only to wake up 3 mins later and straighten, arch, and scream until she couldn't breath in pain. It made me so confused with anger and hurt inside. Feeling like a horrible mom for letting someone hurt this little angel who otherwise would be smiling, oooing and ahhing at us, and being a snuggle bug. Now has the biggest tears I've ever seen, red eyes, red face and a body literally ( Shawn used the word convulsing) in my arms.
Those 2.5 hours were the longest I swear! I'd rather have 4 migraines than have her go through that again!
Shawn came in the back room to check on us, to find me in the fetal position, both arms wrapped around her, under her neck and supporting her head along the arm of the couch, and her body and legs kind of stretched across my trunk and hip. He crouched over us and put his head against mine and we started praying for Maive. I immediately thought of Theresa's comment from a blog a few days ago about how when two or more in prayer together God is with them, and when I opened my eyes Maivey was asleep. Sweet little blond eyelashes closed and her face a little less pink. She was out. I immediately remembered to thank god for answered prayers and for taking her pain away. I held her another 15 minutes repetitively trying to remember not to think " is she gonna wake up?" i bet she wakes up in a minute" instead of just not questioning and believing that no, we prayed and god answered. AND HE DID, she slept form 6:30 pm until 1ish.
I woke up and came downstairs in silence and got a drink and checked on her, and there she was bright eyed, just laying there.
So i cuddled her and spoke to her, and gave her a bottle, brought her out to keep me company as i pumped her some more milk. And she was my sweetpea again. Ooooing and ahhing and giving me that beautiful, fill your heart, reassuring big gummy grins! She's so beautiful whe
n she smiles, her mouth and her eyes smile at the same time. It makes my heart giggle inside, and little fuzzy smileeez race within! I am so relieved and thankful.
During dinner, finally at 7:45,I told Shawn that I thought it was so cool how Maive just stopped kicking and arching and screaming right as we prayed together, and with a full mouth, he replied "God, doesn't want his babies to be hurt." he said it so affirming and confident and honestly really cute, with pizza in his mouth. I adored it! You'd had to hear it for yourself!
Thanks for reading!

And as my huggable awesome friend Justin closes his blogs
-Hug a baby!


yummy yummy yummy i've got love in my tummy!

indeed their are some yums in the oven, the kids are "washin' up" and we're having a last day of winter, pre-spring celebration picnic on the living room floor. complete with red and white checkered blankee too! Indeed there shall be double dipping!! MMMmmmmMMMM!

* Also if you're reading this, ive set this blog to private, so by sending you an invite you can read this. so that must mean you're pretty special. go ahead, pat your own back! <>


heeeeeeeee...ahhhhhh -thats me taking a deep breath in of sweet relief!
that's right! today is the last day of winter, atleast by the calendar!

i am so excited.
There is nothing worse than when that last October leaf is hanging on for dear life and you have the realization of knowing that there are 5 months to go of winter weather cold, dreary never ending days that hang and never change.

Today is ugly dark and very wet. But i feel great despite, knowing that spring, sunny, warm, new days await. It's a good feeling

yesterdays blog....

i feel ridiculous now. I think my hormones were just all over the place yesterday, well maybe the past week or so actually.

my problems were are so unimportant. i need to quite my "complaining'!"

a girl who has the worst luck with the male species is on my mind..
i was married at 19

another woman woke up 2 sundays ago to find her husband in be next to here seizing.. he couldnt breathe and they couldnt bring him back. she's a mother of four kids and now feels so abandoned and hopeless, i cant even imagine having that heartbreak!

here i am with my husband whos so healthy, and wakes up next to me with more energy then i would like. i dont want to be the one taking for granted...

there are so many people around us right now, coincidently that are going through really rough times in their lives, and here I am spoiled, sitting at home with my family in warmth and health, nothing at all thats going wrong in ourlives, and i feel sort of guilty and bad about this.
Perhaps I'm just used to all those years in the beginning, of drama and heartache and all that, that when things are going super smooth it feels wrong?? Is that nuts or what??
I guess we all go through our ups and downs, mountains and valleys..
good days and bads!


I have so many things to be thankful!
I am so blessed!

Maybe watch the local/world news more often so i can realize that all i do is think within my head all day, and realize that i truly am spoiled.
I pace in my home safe warm and quiet with a beautiful healthy baby in my arms.

my kids upstairs snug with their stuffed animals in a dreamy state.

we all are healthy, are cupboards are full, we have a cool van that's fun to cruise around in, we have a doggie, each other and love. what more can i ask for? i have everything i've ever wished for.

why do i have to have those days where i am so unhappy.

i know..
read the bible more..
pray more
talk to god more..
inner dialogue: establish a routine of having more healthy dialogue within my head, like theresa says and it's in the bible " take every thought captive "....

ok well thats my wee ramblings this hour.

i need to be "more consistent!"

Bring on the sunshine

wormy morning smell

foggy missty mornings

dirty hands and mucky boots

all things growing anew!


Ahem, cough, deep breath; "ME MEE MEE MEE MEEEEEEE!"

Today its about me.

Me myself and I

And this is not the time to be focused inward…

I am the narcissist?
I think to much about me.
Am I my own GOD?
When am I going to get my hair cut..
I need to loose this weight, i need to get toned, I need more energy…
Contemplating whether I should get it chopped because I know Shawn wants it long
Woe is me in the head afternoons where I wish I could just go for a drive and sing to the top o my lungs and leave the kids here, wishing the dog wouldn’t sit their and give me the eyes as soon as I come down from getting the “A’s” down for their naps. Then out of guilt playing with the dog, quietly, but then Maive wakes up and needs some security and love.

Then the dog sits there with her head on my lap, again, patiently waiting, for her turn, which really rarely comes. Then I feel really extra guilty when the husband comes home, and the last thing he wants to deal with his Tana.. And she’s trying so hard to love him and show it, why cant he see this.. Why is it so hard to just stop and receives some loving’ even if it is just a dog.
I am convinced that it is impossible for Shawn to receive love, t through a hug of mine, a gentle word, a child’s drawing, a snuggle from a boy who is always on the move… and its impossible for him to communicate some true appreciation or love of any ounce in his bones back to us? Does he not feel it? Why is it so hard? I don’t think he can be that clueless.

A month after our wedding, he told me, promised me, he said,

“Don’t ever let me take you for granted.”
“Don’t ever let me take this life for granted”..
Where did it all change?
We are both so different now. The people that said I do August 03 no longer exist.
I am a completely different person, I was once told that I was so self sacrificing, so filled with love and forgiveness and that I was a inspiration to others, would that still hold true?
I used to be so vibrant and energetic, always smiling, brightening pples days. At least that’s what I was told.

I used to win writing awards, my art work was hung in the airport and different locations around Ithaca. I had the ability to make people laugh, even when all they could do was sob.
I was a school psychiatrist. People I knew, and people I knew not so much would find me at my locker to tell me, or share with me something, and they would leave feeling better, understood and I felt so appreciated, and I didn’t even try really. I just said or did what first came to mind, then contemplated later in the car ride home, what just happened? And who was I? I was told I was wise for my age many times. I think it was just that in my few years of childhood I experienced a lifetimes worth of trials. But then how is it at me reaching 25 I am so weak and lost… I think I knew more at age 11 then I do now..

Remembering now I one an award for an essay on the topic of what is true wealth….
I wrote of family and love, that’s all I can remember though, I remember being made to read it to 5 classrooms after winning, and the kids later picking on me because of my extremely blushed red face. “tomato head tomato head” hey red!

I think I must have won that essay, with the experience of my parents divorce, my mothers weekend bar romping, moving to take care of my grandma.. And just knowing and wishing as I rode my bike by houses at dinner time, watching families at the dinner table, knowing that that scene right there, was all there is to life.

I used to have so many talents, so many things inside of little me just wanting to bust out.
A talent of photographer, or at least people have told me, but what to do with it?
I was so very spoiled with a great camera/gift from my sister and her family.
To start a business, make some money for myself, family, savings perhaps?
I was so sure
But now, all I have time for is feeding and changing this little midgets pitter-pattering their ways through this home, and my heart.
I don’t know anymore, is this all there is for me as of right now, being a mom, a mom on empty as it is?
Will the photography fall in place in due time? God’s time is the best! I guess we’ll wait and see eh?

And then there is my struggle with the material.
.. And I am a material girl..
Good lord its all I can do to not shop right now. I miss sportin’ A&F, American Eagle, and spiffy clothes as such, now I want to shop and dress my girls in pretty outfits, pimp Aidan man all out in some preppy gear, some button downs, some cargos…
I want to fill our yard with sandboxes and swing sets, I want to paint their rooms, hang stuff on our walls, take a vacation.. Everything costs money
I hate money..

I want my children to be strong and loving. To have Christ the very center of their being, to truly be their heart, and for them to rely on their hearts, rather than their minds.
Yes knowledge is power, but knowledge can also lead you astray and confuse you.
I want the old Julie back
I want her to walk in, and I want the mother that I am now and the old, Julie to combine.
I want my children to grow and learn and to not someday look towards materialism, relationships and such for happiness,
I want the people around us to be true and genuine and to not have relationships based on “what can you do for me today” ulterior motives and such..
I want my children to have integrity, and I want them to hold on to their innocence as long as possible.
I just noticed how much I love words that start with the letter “I” ha-ha..
Ironic, ha-ha, no seriously.. Oh jeez…
Not talking about me “I” but seriously like : incandescent, innocence, integrity, illuminate, irreplaceable .. And so on.. Ha-ha oh yes and ironic..
Back on track here…
So I guess my question is, how do I die, so that Christ might take over??

ah its so much more easier to look at other peoples faults and inconsistencies rather than evaluate my own...


so many thoughts so little time

It's amazing I can actually sleep at night.
I am thankful I can though!

SO much thoughts things going on in my little exhistence.
Maive was born 2 months ago and she has been amazing. The whole ordeal, the hospital stay
the nurses, certain members of the family staying away, and just feeling so loved and appreciated by God. I feel like I had a vacation, and the way things were going, I felt like
God was trying to tell me that he loved me.
But I do feel so undeserving.

I am so blessed though, Maive has been a super sleeper. I havent had sleep deprivation, insomnia, she doesnt have gas issues hardly ever. I get almost 7-8 hours of sleep at night.
The toddlers sleep well, we're all healthy, its just been a fast winter as well.
But I am finding now and then I am still feeling so empty.
Maive though, there are so many moments, we just lock eyes and hold, and smile and its feels like we're so connected. Like having this nonverbal dialogue with each other, no words exhisting, just our souls or hearts just in touch, tune... It's an amazing thing that happens, and I am struggling on how to put it into words so you could experience it for yourself, but perhaps thats just it.. someday whether you havent had kids or do, maybe its just one of those things you have to definatley experience for yourself, and its so special...

its amazing how a little peanut so fresh and new, can just fill you up so high with love, that she has the ability in her to love you, really i mean genuinely? is it all she knows so far? i think she loves me, and i will convince myself of this..

SO where I am at:

-Been trying to get back on my track with a relationship with Christ, besides his holy name coming out of my mouth now and then in a not so holy fashion. I am a sinner, big time.

-Trying to change. Be a better example to my Kids on who Christ is, also trying to find where our marriage has gone too. I know that when the kids come into play, it sort of dissapears for a while. But this has been a long while, and it seems to keep slipping farther and farther away. Likes it's a slippery bar of soap and you've got your hands lathered in olive oil and everytime you try to squeeze it there it goes poppin up towards the ceiling and there you are, teetering on one leg, reaching and it just keeps slipping out of grasp from hand to hand until it plops on the floor and slides under the crack of the door.

- Feeling like a failure. Everday, time just slips away. Gonna spend more time with Aidan, gonna train the dog, teach aiva to read & write the alphabet, gonna fold all those loads of laundry, gonna curl my hair for shawn, gonna find some time for me, gonna excersize, gonna make a spiffy dinner, gotta pump, gotta do this and that.. Feeling like I am accomplishing nothing.

-Been loosing my hold on what I know is important. - to unconditionally love my kids, to teach and make Christ known to them,even at this little age- to love my husand no matter what, whether hormones or he himself gets in the way.

-To not focus on my "feelings" so much.

- To be more self disciplined, more organized. Be less impatient, less procastinating.
I want to be a Christian, a real one. A "Christ-follower". I dont want to be someone who call's herself one. I want to be one. Stop thinking about it and just be, learn, be molded continually.
I want to love my father even though he's a know-it-all, and grumpy and argues over anything and everything. I want to be the one person who's there for him, and the one person who doesnt dissapoint him.

I want to forgive my mother, truly.
I want to forgive shawn's mom.
I want to be strong.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be unique.
I want to be transparent.

MY TIME IS UP, for now...