3.18.2008

Ahem, cough, deep breath; "ME MEE MEE MEE MEEEEEEE!"


Today its about me.


Me myself and I

And this is not the time to be focused inward…

I am the narcissist?
I think to much about me.
Am I my own GOD?
When am I going to get my hair cut..
I need to loose this weight, i need to get toned, I need more energy…
Contemplating whether I should get it chopped because I know Shawn wants it long
Woe is me in the head afternoons where I wish I could just go for a drive and sing to the top o my lungs and leave the kids here, wishing the dog wouldn’t sit their and give me the eyes as soon as I come down from getting the “A’s” down for their naps. Then out of guilt playing with the dog, quietly, but then Maive wakes up and needs some security and love.



Then the dog sits there with her head on my lap, again, patiently waiting, for her turn, which really rarely comes. Then I feel really extra guilty when the husband comes home, and the last thing he wants to deal with his Tana.. And she’s trying so hard to love him and show it, why cant he see this.. Why is it so hard to just stop and receives some loving’ even if it is just a dog.
I am convinced that it is impossible for Shawn to receive love, t through a hug of mine, a gentle word, a child’s drawing, a snuggle from a boy who is always on the move… and its impossible for him to communicate some true appreciation or love of any ounce in his bones back to us? Does he not feel it? Why is it so hard? I don’t think he can be that clueless.



A month after our wedding, he told me, promised me, he said,

“Don’t ever let me take you for granted.”
“Don’t ever let me take this life for granted”..
Where did it all change?
We are both so different now. The people that said I do August 03 no longer exist.
I am a completely different person, I was once told that I was so self sacrificing, so filled with love and forgiveness and that I was a inspiration to others, would that still hold true?
I used to be so vibrant and energetic, always smiling, brightening pples days. At least that’s what I was told.



I used to win writing awards, my art work was hung in the airport and different locations around Ithaca. I had the ability to make people laugh, even when all they could do was sob.
I was a school psychiatrist. People I knew, and people I knew not so much would find me at my locker to tell me, or share with me something, and they would leave feeling better, understood and I felt so appreciated, and I didn’t even try really. I just said or did what first came to mind, then contemplated later in the car ride home, what just happened? And who was I? I was told I was wise for my age many times. I think it was just that in my few years of childhood I experienced a lifetimes worth of trials. But then how is it at me reaching 25 I am so weak and lost… I think I knew more at age 11 then I do now..



Remembering now I one an award for an essay on the topic of what is true wealth….
I wrote of family and love, that’s all I can remember though, I remember being made to read it to 5 classrooms after winning, and the kids later picking on me because of my extremely blushed red face. “tomato head tomato head” hey red!



I think I must have won that essay, with the experience of my parents divorce, my mothers weekend bar romping, moving to take care of my grandma.. And just knowing and wishing as I rode my bike by houses at dinner time, watching families at the dinner table, knowing that that scene right there, was all there is to life.


I used to have so many talents, so many things inside of little me just wanting to bust out.
A talent of photographer, or at least people have told me, but what to do with it?
I was so very spoiled with a great camera/gift from my sister and her family.
To start a business, make some money for myself, family, savings perhaps?
I was so sure
But now, all I have time for is feeding and changing this little midgets pitter-pattering their ways through this home, and my heart.
Photography?
I don’t know anymore, is this all there is for me as of right now, being a mom, a mom on empty as it is?
Will the photography fall in place in due time? God’s time is the best! I guess we’ll wait and see eh?



And then there is my struggle with the material.
.. And I am a material girl..
Good lord its all I can do to not shop right now. I miss sportin’ A&F, American Eagle, and spiffy clothes as such, now I want to shop and dress my girls in pretty outfits, pimp Aidan man all out in some preppy gear, some button downs, some cargos…
I want to fill our yard with sandboxes and swing sets, I want to paint their rooms, hang stuff on our walls, take a vacation.. Everything costs money
I hate money..



I want my children to be strong and loving. To have Christ the very center of their being, to truly be their heart, and for them to rely on their hearts, rather than their minds.
Yes knowledge is power, but knowledge can also lead you astray and confuse you.
I want the old Julie back
I want her to walk in, and I want the mother that I am now and the old, Julie to combine.
I want my children to grow and learn and to not someday look towards materialism, relationships and such for happiness,
I want the people around us to be true and genuine and to not have relationships based on “what can you do for me today” ulterior motives and such..
I want my children to have integrity, and I want them to hold on to their innocence as long as possible.
I just noticed how much I love words that start with the letter “I” ha-ha..
Ironic, ha-ha, no seriously.. Oh jeez…
Not talking about me “I” but seriously like : incandescent, innocence, integrity, illuminate, irreplaceable .. And so on.. Ha-ha oh yes and ironic..
Back on track here…
So I guess my question is, how do I die, so that Christ might take over??


ah its so much more easier to look at other peoples faults and inconsistencies rather than evaluate my own...






2 comments:

jenmann224 said...

Julie, Julie, Julie...sounds like it's time to talk again. There are so many things that I can tell you to do, but the most important, above all else, that will help you cope...experience the overwhelming, extravagant love of God. You need to find out what He thinks of you and I can guarrantee that it's not what you think. His love has given me back to myself. It was a long road and it's not easy, but the best things in life are not just given to us, they're worked for...blood, sweat, tears...especially His blood, it covers EVERYTHING and makes us who we are.

Theresa said...

What I love so much about you Jules, is that you are REAL. Please, don't ever dismiss what is in your head, because what you're thinking and feeling, it is real. Just constantly lay it before God. "Take every thought captive," and he will transform you into his likeness.
Something I wish you would so let us do is to pray through these things. I know you don't like to pray over the phone or even aloud, but I believe that even if 2 are together in prayer 60 miles apart, God is still in the midst of them.
Keep writing, Sista Mama...