SO today, I woke up feeling great and then, BAM! 10:40am instant migraine! What is up with thaat!?!
Afternoon came and I was all tired and weepy and lonely.
I try not to cry, and held off, but the tears came.
I found myself wishing I had a mom to talk to, like "MY MOM" but I dont. I have a mom, but for the 25 years of my life. She didnt, and has not wanted to be my mom.
Growing up, she told me so, hence my " burden on others " complex.
I wish things were different, and that she hugged me and kissed me, and looked me in the eyes and called me her daughter. BUT that didnt happen.. slowly I'm becoming OK with this. it still hurts like whoa! BUT I'm learning to heal it, and to look to the bible, truth, and that although I didnt have an earthly, loving mother. Someday, all that rejection will be wiped away. I have to stay focused on the fact I am a mother.
I have three beauties that were not supposed to be here. BUT they are. I love loving on them. I love that they love on me. I love that, when I hid in the laundry room. My 4 yr old little mama found me and asked me what was wrong.
She knelt down so concerned and put her small arm around me. I said sobbing, sometimes mommy, really wish she had a mommy. there was a long pause, hot tears pouring down my cheaks. She hugged me and said. " i'll be your mommy, mommy. "
she kissed my cheak and told me she'd get a tissue because I got her slimy. She came back, I smiled and we held each other on the laundry room floor. Until Scoots found us with her mischevious grin and wrinkled nose... she toddled toward us and in a babyish kind of way body slammed us into a Gendron girly pile. The rest of the afternoon, Aiva and I spent playing store with some of our favorite things. Alot more fun came, and I took some pictures but I'll leave you with this. I love it. My angel.
THESE ARE UNEDITED STRAIGHT OUT OF THE CAMERA, DARK I KNOW! BUT HOW ANGELIC IS SHE. I COULD HAVE ADMIRED HER ALL NIGHT..
Thank you Aiva for bringing me such a love, so much more than what I longed for for many many years. Thank you for loving mommy, for giving me my worth, for changing so many times hearing " your worthless, i hate you " and snuffing them out with. "I love you my mommy, yer'da bestest mommy ever!"
and on another note. neglection? yikes
i was tickling scoots tonight, we were competing on who can basically spit the most while making fart noises "PFFT!" well, she went from a giggle to a loud belly laugh and when she did, I noticed not just one molar, but three! THREE! When did she get three. That's it, bring on the steak! yes i do brush her teeth!